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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871715">bring a bucket and a mop (for this wet ass pusy)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenin_it_to_win_it/pseuds/lenin_it_to_win_it'>lenin_it_to_win_it</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>House M.D.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, F/F, M/M, do not read this unless ur prepared for A LOT of cum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:22:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,203</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871715</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenin_it_to_win_it/pseuds/lenin_it_to_win_it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When one of House's patients slips on a wet floor and dies, the hospital finds an unexpected way to raise money for the funeral.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Greg House/James Wilson, Lisa Cuddy/Stacy Warner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>bring a bucket and a mop (for this wet ass pusy)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this fic is dedicated to all my fellow bastards and cumfreaks on discord &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">house was slapping his dick on the table in boredmom as his teem tried 2 diagnose the patinet whomst was uncouscous in a coma. he wuz laying on the ground bc house had alredy tucked his motorcycle into the bed</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i think he has lupus” suggested cameron longingly as she shot pining glances at house’s disugsting, grizzled cock over her ample boobage. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“mayb hes sick from putting 2 many shrip on the barbie” sed chase as he fanned himself with $100 bills. no one udnerstood wat he was saying bc they didnt speak ostralian.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">forman wasnt there. he couldnt get to work bc house had stolen his car and soled it to buy a limited edition motly crue t shirt wich was only the 8th most annoying thing he had done 2 foreskin that week</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">house was brored of being bored so he stood up angrily and crossed his arms, covering up his limited edition moltey cruew t shrit. “u uncompetnet sacks of flaccid ass drippings!” he shouted accusingly as he sneered at his team. “iv alredy TOLD u wat the diangosis is!!!”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“no u havnet!” exclaimed cameron shockedly “i wuldve heard it bc i hang on ur every word senpai!!!1!” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wy hang on words when u could be HUNG insted” suggested house suggestily</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">chase gasped and jumped to his feet so fast his gucci flip flops SLAPD the flor like house geting slapped with a lawsuot every other episode. “he was tapping the diagnosis on the table with his dick using morse code the entire time!!1!” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“gday 2 u too mate” camoeron wept confusingly but supportivelyy bc she was a woke austrialian ally “i dont udnerstand ur lifestyle but i resppect it”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">jsut as house was about to explane the diagonsis wislon burst intot he room.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i heard dick morse code and i came as fast as i could” wilson panted arousedly, sweeping back his sweaty hair off his forehed. his hare was floopy unlike his succulent fat cock which was magnificently erect and had been the enitre time he sprinted honrily across the hospital, leaving severeal orphans with cancer 2 die in pursuit of his quest for cummies</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“that spretty fast” house noted. house knew exactly how fast wilson came. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“b-but wat about the diagnosis” sluttered cameron cryingfully as she jealously refused to ackwnowledge wilsons truely spectacular sexin’ stethoscope which was almost as thicc as his eyebrows. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">house was vigorously peleing himself out of his skinny jeans as he replied “i diagnosed MY HOLE with a terminel case of CUM OVERLODE” he tenderly slapped wilsosn fat ass with his cane “i gav u my hard wood, now give me some of urs big boy” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">wislson slowly and seductively pushed his sleeves up, exposing a few inches of pasty middle aged forearm. He also took of his pants but house didnt knowtice bc he was staring at wilsons wrists, the ankles of the arms.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“jimy u fiend” house moaned organsimically “shove ur slutty green whore tie up my ass and fuck me until my leg fals off”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“sure thing pal” sed wilson agreably as he loosened his completly unremarkable tie,sensing houses urgent need for cock and preparing to fulfill it by fufilling his many needy holes. “just let me grab the industrial size barrel of lube i keep in my office for just such occaisons—“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“THATS wat the lube was for!” Cameron cried surprisedly, slapping her forehead. “u kno, i always wondered but i never wanted 2 ask..”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“thers no TIME” house grunted angrily “im hrony NOW and in danger of a fatal case of ballsus bluesicus if u dont park that sloppy toppy nut jalopy rite in my litle garage this second!!!”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“god damn it house wer DOCTERS for fucks sake!” criied wilson frustratedly “our colleeges are gonna regocngize u wen u end up in the er with a ruptured anus after i hit it raw with my massive girthy circumsized horse cock. if we dont use loob u could end up DIED”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wat if i sign a dnr” winked house hroriinly</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“a do not resuccucite order???” Wilson asked confusedly</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“of corse not i meant a a DICK NEEDED REALBAD ORDER” house snapped “i need 69 ccs of kosher cockmeat STAT” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wel when u put it That way.,,” wislson obligignly pounded house like he was at the wack a mole world championshsips bc thats what bros do for their dudes but he cried the whole time. “u never look at me DURING” he wept depsaringly as he seed-spelunked in houses booty cave. “ur just like every one of my 69 ex wifes that I met on strait grindr”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“shut up and ram my prostate nerd” snarked house demandingly “and dont try to cuddle me or any of that gaiy shit when ur done either” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">wilson wept salty tears of sad ont2 houses flat ass but he was also pumping out galoons of salty nut so house couldnt tell the difrerence. soon the flor was completely flooded</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">camera sobbed som more. “oh house-senpai if only I was being fllooded with ur rancid, vicodin-ridden old man cum insted of standing knee-deep in wilsosns”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“yull stand in the cum and youll LIKE it” declared house in a yell of rage “usuelly u hav to be really damaged and needy to get wilsosn to baste u in his baby gravy— ur getting it for free. kids thes days dont know how good they have it” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">cameroon ran away crieying which was good 4 her bc it meant she didnt hav to witness the atrocitys that followed. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“so far iv only given u the tip” wislon tenderly cooed into houses disgusting wax encursted ear “ur gonna need to up ur vicodin dosage after this next one pal”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i can take it” house grunted slickly “i own a lether jacket. clearly im tuff as fucc” then wilsosn unlubed cock grated in2 hsi tite hole like a baseball bat made of snadpaper. houses horrified weeping shrieks woke the patitent out of hsi coma </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“what in the hellFUCK is the menage of this???” cried the patient indignatnyl </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">wilson yanked his dick out of houses ass and hastily thrust (hehe) himself in front of his bff for life to protect him from the patiets completely justiifed anger. “i was just giving him a rectal exam” lied wilson nervously “and i had to go relly REALLy far in his recutm.my hand couldnt reach so I just HAD to use my dick u c, its doctor scieence, I went 2 hed school”<br/><br/>“dont u mean med sckool” asked the patient suscpiciously<br/><br/>“he does not” replied house tearfully as he slid like a snail over the wet floor in search of som tape so he could repare his throorughly demolished ass. “he majored in blowjobology and gratueated top in his class”<br/><br/>“i topped ever1 one of their asses” agreed wislon proudly<br/></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wel I need to speek 2 the manager of this hosptiel” declared the patient disgustedly as he started 2 stand up “the way iv been treeated is compeltly— AHHHDGKJSLHklGKAHJDFLHK” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">house and wilson looked on in whoreor as the patient slipped on the floor that had been so gneneroulsy moistened by wilsons white willy water and slid down 8 flites of stairs and landed directly ont2 his head and died.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“nice going slut u killed my patnent” snarked house bitterly, shaking his head in disgust as wislon put on his pants, covering up the billey juul (bily joel but he vapes) tramp stamp he had gotten while wasted</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“im not a slslut i,.im a WHORE get it righgt,,” wilson sobbed indignantly “andh e n,,eeve,r woulddve slip,,,ed. on my ccum iif, YUO wernent so hrony al the tiem”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">before house could retort cuddy came clicking angrily int2 the room, her high heels keeping her above the cum so she did not slip and/or drown. “damn it house not AGAIN” she sighed.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">stacye whomst had come in also shook her head and made a note on her legal clipboard of lawyerly notes. “wel hav 2 come to a setltlement with the patients family” she sed with a disappoineted look at house “theyl probalby make us pay for the funeral” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“we cant afford the legal fees AND a fuenral” cuddy exclaimed furuously. “itl cost AT LEAST $20 plus tax!! how r we supposed to get that kind of mony??</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>the music that plays whenever house has an empiphany started playing in the background and house looked intently at the camera with his azure orbs. “hav any of u ever herd of… onlyfans?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">***</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">8 hours later the pricneeton plansboro teaching hospitel onlyfans had only made 3 dolalrs. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“stupid cameron” house grumbled, wiping heterosexul lipstick marks off his leg. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“UR the idiot bitch who only charged 3 bucks to make out with ur festering limb” Wilson replied “u coudlve charged cameorn an arm and a leg and and she woudlve paid it” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“uh excuse me wilson an arm and a WAT” exclaimed house offendedly “for those of us whomst are leggedly challenged that phrase is oppression”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“u oppress me eveery day its only fair” said wilson shruggingly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“i dont care im suing. STACY” house yelled ‘IM SUING WILSON AND I NEED U TO TAKE MY CASE PRO BONER”<br/><br/>“GO FUCK URSELF GREG” stacy yelled from down the hallway where she and cuddy were going to town on eachothers pussys and bonding over how much they hated house</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“im not suing” sed house</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">wilson sighed “mayb u Should sue someone. if they were rich we could get enuff money for the funeral and then i could put my cloths back on” he said shivering nakedly in the cold hospital air, his only covering a yamulke on the nipple of each bo0b. “onlyfans only works if ur a hot gamer gril with cat ears. no1 pays mony to look at musty ass docter men who are wanted 4 missed alimony payements and massive tax fraud”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“no one pays 2 look at U bc theres no MISTERY” house declared. “evryone in this hospitals already seen ur whore ass naked at least 8 times” he shook his head sadly “but I really thot my withered old man skin would be in higher damand and im NEVER wrong. except 4 everything I say in the first half hour or so of each episode— thats prety much always wrong but thats only to mak it more impressive when im rite in the end”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wel there must be SUM other way to make mony” thought wilson out loud with his mouth “wy not a bake sale? that workd when cuddy made the hospital raise money to pay ur extensive therapist bills” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“only bc i thought the brownies had weed in them and bot the whole stash” grumbled house disgruntedly</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“but it was worth it in the end bc now u hav dr nolan” wilson sighed dreamily “id like to jack off a piece of THAT kit kat bar. oh how my twink body longs for an mans touch….”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>“first of all ur a twunk” snapped house asshoelishly. “and second, evne i havent fucked dr nolan yet and hes MY therpaist wihich means i have DIBS” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“nooo that means he cant fuk u at all bc its unethical jackass” wilson replied annoyedly “whereas MY ethically sourced ass is entirely ready for the punishing force of dr nolans phat alpha knot”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“THATS IT” cried house epiphaniacally </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“wats it” asked wilson confusedly </span><br/><br/>but house was 2 busy frantically drawing fat hairy wolf cocks all over the dead paitnets chart to reply </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">***</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“wel house i didnt c how u were gonna do it but u did it” sed cuddy appreciatively as she counted the wads of cash house had given 2 her, entirely in ones, by throwing at her like a stripper. “this should cover the funeral and legal fees just fine”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“how did u do it???” asked stacy astonishedly “i know ur poor bc u wasted both of our life savigns on hentai games” she turned 2 cuddy “every tiem he got an ad for some anieme porn game online he bought it. iv seen mor tentacls than a world class sushy chef”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“a magiicien nevre reveals his secrits” sed house with a coy wink toward wilson as he finished the final touches on his latest furry art commission of the rum tum tugger frum cats chugging milk from msistoffeeles’ big jugglin jugs cleverly entitled “magical mr milkstoffeeles”. it cost $420.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">cuddy and scacy shrugged it off and went 2 the funeral and house turned slyly to wilson and began to slither out of his cum-crusted jeans. “whats say u and i hav a little funerel oursevles and u bury that dick in my ass” he insinuated with a waggle of his eyebrows and penis</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i dont know” said wilson seductively as he fingered his yalmulke nipple pasties which were still his only clothes “uve been a very naughty little houselet lately. maby daddy shuould spank u first”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“but I havnt even pissed mylsef yet!” exclaimed hoouse surprisedly</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">wilson sensualy slid houses hand int2 a cup of warm water and raised his eyebrow “we’ll c about that”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">needless to say, the wet floor did not get dryer anytime soon.</span>
</p>
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